And here it is....

I have a migraine today, so I thought I'd take some time to blog about something I've been keeping to myself. Part of my blogging goal is to be more open with others. I think I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I think in a one on one situation I still do. But I've somehow managed to become closed off to my friends and family that are not immediately around me. So, I want to talk to you about my infertility. I think this all started from thinking about a cousin of mine who didn't have kids until she was in her later thirties. I always have assumed it was because she wanted a career first. That may be the case, but then again it may not. Who am I to judge? Then I got to thinking, "How do others perceive my situation?" I think most of you probably assume I just can't have kids and that is mostly true. I want children more than anything else in this world but I can't have children within my own power. As of this week I've started my last round of fertility drugs after using them for a year. I will not be going back on them after this month. In my mind, I feel like this is my last chance but I guess, truthfully, it's not. There is nothing the doctors could find wrong with me or Levi. It's just not our time. It sucks knowing you're fully capable to do something but it's not part of the Plan. Because this is our last try with the Clomid I asked Levi to give me a blessing last night. At first he was just going to give me a blessing of comfort but then felt inspired to give me a blessing of healing, to heal any infirmities I may have. We both feel that if there was anything wrong with me I have now been healed of that. And then he blessed me to know that my Heavenly Father is proud of my accomplishments and that He loves being my Father. He said we may not be blessed to have babies with these bodies but that we would be parent's in some way or another be it adoption or inheritance. I found it interesting that he used the word "inheritance." He said that Heavenly Father asks me to be patient a little longer. All these things were hard to hear and yet somehow I knew that would be what I was going to hear. I guess I was hoping I would be blessed to get pregnant, but it doesn't sound like that's in the Plan right now. So I guess I have some closure. I have felt that if I didn't get pregnant it's because I haven't been doing enough, I haven't been trying hard enough. Now I can say, "It's not my fault. It's not supposed to be." That gives me some comfort. I can let it go. It's not in my hands and I haven't disappointed my God. It still hurts and I will always crave children but I do have a testimony that God has a Plan for me and I will somehow and someday be a mother. So there it is....all on my sleeve.