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18.1.11

And here it is....

I have a migraine today, so I thought I'd take some time to blog about something I've been keeping to myself. Part of my blogging goal is to be more open with others. I think I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I think in a one on one situation I still do. But I've somehow managed to become closed off to my friends and family that are not immediately around me. So, I want to talk to you about my infertility. I think this all started from thinking about a cousin of mine who didn't have kids until she was in her later thirties. I always have assumed it was because she wanted a career first. That may be the case, but then again it may not. Who am I to judge? Then I got to thinking, "How do others perceive my situation?" I think most of you probably assume I just can't have kids and that is mostly true. I want children more than anything else in this world but I can't have children within my own power. As of this week I've started my last round of fertility drugs after using them for a year. I will not be going back on them after this month. In my mind, I feel like this is my last chance but I guess, truthfully, it's not. There is nothing the doctors could find wrong with me or Levi. It's just not our time. It sucks knowing you're fully capable to do something but it's not part of the Plan. Because this is our last try with the Clomid I asked Levi to give me a blessing last night. At first he was just going to give me a blessing of comfort but then felt inspired to give me a blessing of healing, to heal any infirmities I may have. We both feel that if there was anything wrong with me I have now been healed of that. And then he blessed me to know that my Heavenly Father is proud of my accomplishments and that He loves being my Father. He said we may not be blessed to have babies with these bodies but that we would be parent's in some way or another be it adoption or inheritance. I found it interesting that he used the word "inheritance." He said that Heavenly Father asks me to be patient a little longer. All these things were hard to hear and yet somehow I knew that would be what I was going to hear. I guess I was hoping I would be blessed to get pregnant, but it doesn't sound like that's in the Plan right now. So I guess I have some closure. I have felt that if I didn't get pregnant it's because I haven't been doing enough, I haven't been trying hard enough. Now I can say, "It's not my fault. It's not supposed to be." That gives me some comfort. I can let it go. It's not in my hands and I haven't disappointed my God. It still hurts and I will always crave children but I do have a testimony that God has a Plan for me and I will somehow and someday be a mother. So there it is....all on my sleeve.

7 comments:

Jamie J Stansfield said...

you are awesome janet! And what you are going through be in the plan or whatever still royally sucks! It took us 2 years of trying to get Liberty and I remember how every single month was such a disappointment. So frustrating! I am so sorry that this is part of your plan. Being a mormon woman...especially in utah I am sure makes it extra hard to not have ten kiddos in tow by the time you are thirty. Such social pressure in our world isn't there?! All I can say is that the second you hold your destined to be child for the first time all of these hard years will be healed. And all will be okay and make a little more sense I am sure! In the mean time you want my kids? :) we need to see you guys again soon!

D and C said...

You KNOW I know your pain. I know the wait, and the anticipation and the wonder and the...PAIN. Yet, through all of it, you have such a gift at trusting the Lord no matter what. You have grown in your quest and that growth will not only inspire YOU, those around you, your husband, but someday when you DO (and you will) have children, your story, your courage, will inspire them as well.
I love you. I am SO here for you. There will be times you just can't breath anymore because it hurts THAT bad, but I am here to help remind you that you will get through it and IT WILL HAPPEN IN HIS TIME. I am proof.
I LOVE YOU.
D

Dannie Graves said...

I'm so sorry you're hurting. You are an amazing woman. It takes so much courage and faith to completely put your trust in the Lord like that. Please know that I'm here if you need to vent or a shoulder to cry on. Love you Janet!

Elizabeth "Betsy" said...

Love you so much! I'm sorry I haven't been a better friend and sister. I probably don't make it any easier to deal with your trials or set backs. I want you to be happy. Right now I'd be willing to give you 3 little inheritances! JK. Call me soon!

Lacy King said...

Oh Janet, we love you both so much! I am so glad you have found a little peace and I hope you know more and more each day that just like in the blessing, you will become parents in one way or another. It is amazing the trials God gives us, but you must be one of the strongest ones! He needs you so much!!!!!!!!

Mickey McDurman said...

Janet, I so appreciate you, and your willingness to share your thoughts and feelings. I hope you know that you have such a kind demeanor, and even though we may not have a whole lot of contact I have been strengthened by our friendship. If you need anything just let me know.
Liz Shipman

Cristi said...

Roxy,

First of all, this sounds SO much like the feelings that I have had for the last seven years. You ARE NOT ALONE!!

I wanted to ask you, though, who has had you on clomid for a year?!! You shouldn't be on it for stretches longer than 6 months at a time. It can actually have adverse affects if you're on it for periods of time greater than 4-6 months in one single stretch. I was on it off and on for about 2 or 3 years. And when I started seeing our current fertility doctor, he was shocked that doctors had done that.

You REALLY need to go see Dr. Foulk at the Fertility Center. His philosophy is that almost any couple CAN get pregnant!! It's totally possible!! I really want this blessing for you!!

Having said all this, I will also say that I know - 100% - that it is about TIMING. Had we been able to get pregnant when WE had wanted, we would never have adopted Leo, who is absolutely SUPPOSED to be in our family.

Anyway, just PLEASE know that I love you and I UNDERSTAND what you are saying here.

If you want Dr. Foulk's info, please let me know. He is amazing!

As are you!

Love you!
Cristi (Shoog) :)