And here it is....

I have a migraine today, so I thought I'd take some time to blog about something I've been keeping to myself. Part of my blogging goal is to be more open with others. I think I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I think in a one on one situation I still do. But I've somehow managed to become closed off to my friends and family that are not immediately around me. So, I want to talk to you about my infertility. I think this all started from thinking about a cousin of mine who didn't have kids until she was in her later thirties. I always have assumed it was because she wanted a career first. That may be the case, but then again it may not. Who am I to judge? Then I got to thinking, "How do others perceive my situation?" I think most of you probably assume I just can't have kids and that is mostly true. I want children more than anything else in this world but I can't have children within my own power. As of this week I've started my last round of fertility drugs after using them for a year. I will not be going back on them after this month. In my mind, I feel like this is my last chance but I guess, truthfully, it's not. There is nothing the doctors could find wrong with me or Levi. It's just not our time. It sucks knowing you're fully capable to do something but it's not part of the Plan. Because this is our last try with the Clomid I asked Levi to give me a blessing last night. At first he was just going to give me a blessing of comfort but then felt inspired to give me a blessing of healing, to heal any infirmities I may have. We both feel that if there was anything wrong with me I have now been healed of that. And then he blessed me to know that my Heavenly Father is proud of my accomplishments and that He loves being my Father. He said we may not be blessed to have babies with these bodies but that we would be parent's in some way or another be it adoption or inheritance. I found it interesting that he used the word "inheritance." He said that Heavenly Father asks me to be patient a little longer. All these things were hard to hear and yet somehow I knew that would be what I was going to hear. I guess I was hoping I would be blessed to get pregnant, but it doesn't sound like that's in the Plan right now. So I guess I have some closure. I have felt that if I didn't get pregnant it's because I haven't been doing enough, I haven't been trying hard enough. Now I can say, "It's not my fault. It's not supposed to be." That gives me some comfort. I can let it go. It's not in my hands and I haven't disappointed my God. It still hurts and I will always crave children but I do have a testimony that God has a Plan for me and I will somehow and someday be a mother. So there it is....all on my sleeve.

This is the picture I had originally wanted to post. It's hilarious. Natalie's waving at John.
Susan's walking into the picture while Jackie's flipping her hair. Dave and Kannon are watching the TV. Betsy and mom are fixing something on Sarah. Nancy looks like she's cleaning out Tyler's nose. Ha ha. And all the while Ben's posed and ready to go.

Maybe I should have set one of my goals to be to learn how to blog better. My Resolutions post is ridiculous. Please excuse my errors.

Resolutions

Ok...New Year's Resolutions #1 priority...more Blogging. Ha Ha...yeah right. That's actually not one of my goals but something I plan on doing more of. Mostly to see if it helps me keep my sanity. But for reals...here are my 6 goals:

#1. Pray more - I've really been slacking in this area and don't feel as close to my Father in Heaven as I should. After all, Who is the one that blesses me with all that I have? The least I could do is chat Him up more.

#2. Read my scriptures - I'm embarrassed to admit at failing at that too but all I have to say is that for some reason playing solitaire on my phone for 15 minutes before closing my eyes always seems more fun. I do love, though, how already the little reading I'm doing is changing my perspective for the better.

#3. Go to the temple each month - So get this... I live, literally, blocks away from the temple. I could take a 15 minute walk, hop on Trax and get there. I have no excuse.

#4. Finally submit my children's book to someone - I've had this thing written for years and each year I think I'll do it. This year, I will. I'm setting some small goals along the way to get me there and a due date. Wish me luck!

#5. Loose 10 pounds - Say what you want...but remember I'm not going to tell you what weight you should be. I've put on a lot of weight in the last year from just laziness and haven't been this heavy since college when I was eating cake mix for dinner. I can safely loose 10 pounds and still be healthy.

#6. Go back to school - It's my time. I've always thought I had to put school off to try to build this family and make everything work. Well, the family isn't really growing as planned and if I'm going to work I might as well be doing what I want to do. So what do I want to do? Marriage Counseling. It's a lot of schooling but I'm actually excited about it.

That's it folks. I figure the simpler the goals the more likely I'll complete them. Now I just need to write them down on something other than this blog and plaster them on the fridge. It's going to happen....I can feel it. I'll keep you updated each month.

I don't want to be a slacker so....

So here's what you missed....Nancy at Thanksgiving....don't look to thrilled. I was just testing a lens so there was no reason to smile.

Dave waiting to catch the football....there has to be football at Thanksgiving.

Betsy pretending she's going to throw it at me.

Sarah about to rip her hair out over all this kerfuffle.

Serenity being exactly that...serene and adorable.

Stephen only wishes he could be that cool....ha ha! Just joking.

Tyler's awesome at catching...he's going to be a star!

Great form Ben....he's so fun.

? I don't even know.

John should have auditioned for the part of Uncle Rico.

Joshua looked less snotty when I was looking at the thumbprint of this pic. Oh well. Boys will be boys. Love them nephews!

And of course love the nieces too...especially ones whose beautiful blue eyes tear up in the cold.

And then, of course, we must have the innocent bystander to watch over everything.

While we all play a little football Thanksgiving day!

I was fortunate to be able to take some family photos. I loved the ones that caught what we're really like when we're all gathered. The one I wanted to show I will have to load later. It shows the funniest things.

I loved the colors of these beautiful family pics. What a cute family, huh.

But wait....who's this even cuter family?

Ume, being her adorable, well behave self Christmas morning.

The first feast ever to take place in my home of two years.

Luna, the newest addition to our family. What a fun Christmas surprise!

Levi really liked the coat I got him. I was worried.

Ryu always has to be in the middle of things and help unwrap the presents. This year he even went above and beyond and made sure to get the tags off as well.

The best Christmas blessing was having the joy of my parents with us this year. Thanks mom and dad! Love you!

And this was all the pre-Christmas candy cooking. What a glorious mess!